Break The Silence

So i had the worlds shittest day today and tbh i let that consume me. And that really sucks. Because actually i didn't have a shit day (hang on in there this is going to make sense). i had a great day of college but when i got home my parents kicked off with me and now the great dat that i had has kind of been hidden by this fight.
So i started writing for the first time in a long time, because i was emotional. and about half way through writing these lyrics about how much of a fuck up i was, i got a message from Laura about how she was there for me and how sorry she was that she hasn't been there. and yeah, it made me feel bad hahah because she shouldn't have to feel like that. she shouldn't feel like i need to whine and moan at her. And i appreciate everything that anyone who is now reading this has done for me i really really do. I love you all so much. So i got to thinking, why am i sitting here wallowing in self pity when i could be using this sudden creativity to show the people who actually love me how much i love them? so here goes. I realised how soppy this is but i really don't care this is the best way to show you guys that i love you all so much, i genuinely wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you. I'm so sorry if you've ever felt taken for granted or like i don't care or anything like that at all. Y'all are the most important things in my life.
I know it's shitty i did just write it in like ten minutes so like don't think it's going to be any kind of work of genius
But Elly, Laura, Natalie, Emma, Beth, Charlotte, Sarah, Rachel, Becca, Rachel and anyone else who may be reading this, this is for you so smile cos you're beautiful.

I love you.


Throw up your hands to the sky
And scream at me like you mean it
Let me hear your voices shout
So everyone hears what you’ve got to say
Break that silence and let the world see you
There’s no one better you could be

I’ve been there I’ve seen it
Those days when the sky seems so grey
There’s nothing I’d rather do than lay in bed all day
But what good will that do?
Where’s nothing going to get you?
Show the world that it can’t get you down
Put up your fist and fight away those clouds

You’re so beautiful and you can’t see it
So let me tell you that it’s true
Just stop trying to change yourself
And start enjoying being you
When your tongue is twisted `
And words stop making sense
When tears won’t stop pouring
And the pain won’t go away

Your smile, your laugh, those words of truth
Get me by when life is rough
it’s time to give you back
the love you always show

Listen to these words and know you’re all I need
Just know you’re fucking perfect
Just the way you’ve always been

Nothing i do ever goes to plan... ever. And you'd think as i get older i'd get used to it. But i never do. the scenarios that never happen still formulate in my stupid head and the disappointment and the self loathing never seems to hurt any less. I actually am such an idiot.

Dyslexia...

so basically back in september when we started college, my biology teacher told me she thought i might be dyslexic. It scared me quite a lot and was a bit of a shock to the system. I didn’t understand how i could be, i’d gone through two thirds of the schooling sytem and no one had said anything. At one point i was like in the top 5% of the clevest kids in the country, how the fuck could i be dyslexic? But the more i thought about it, the more i watched what i was doing when i was writing. And it turns out i show most of the dyslexia signals in my writing and the way i learn. So i accepted the fact that i might be. well i say accepted, a better term might be dealt with. i don’t think i’ve ever dealt with it properly. i joke about it all the time and make fun of myself for it. i laugh at it so it doesn’t scare me as much. I haven’t taken the test yet. And here’s the truth. i don’t want to take the test because i don’t want another label. I’m not scared of being dyslexic. i’m scared of being stuck with it. i’ve gone through my life being labelled differently, all the time, wherever i go. And i’ve tried my best to fight my hardest to be myself and to ignore what people thought of me and what words they labelled me with. I don’t want to take a test that’s going to give me another label that’s going to stick to me for the rest of my life. i don’t want to get any special treatment. i don’t want people to think differently of me because i’m dyslexic. I’ve lived 17 years of life and i’ve managed to cope with it completely fine. i don’t need it bothering me now. And i had accepted that. then my mum gets back on my case. ‘why don’t you take the test?’ ‘i’m sick of you using it as an excuse’ ‘think about it, if you are, there might be a higher likelyhood cambridge will accept you’… thing is, i don’t want to take the test as i’ve already explained. i don’t use it as an excuse, i use it as a joke. i don’t want cambridge to accept me because i’m dyslexic. i want them to accept me because i work hard and get the grades… it’s stupid and pathetic and irrational but this is how i’m feeling about it right now. if you are reading this and are dyslexic, then i hope you don’t feel any offense from what i have written. this is very personal to me. I know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being dyslexic and it’s not something that people can help. i know it’s something that can be managed and many successful people have dyslexia and are role models for many. I’ve said it sounds like i’m being pathetic and insanely irrational but this is personal, it’s my feelings about the situation i am in. please please don’t think it applies to anyone other than me

Sometimes the smallest things hurt/mean the most

ok so on Thursday we went to see All Time Low... ATL was my first gig... and since then i've seen BLG FTSK YMAS and WTK (my top 5 bands with ATL) twice... so i was so pumped that it was all coming round in a circle xD it was also the last time i wore my gig converse so they can now rot in piece

so that morning we got our first AS results... well we did Elly was already there and while we're dealing with the aftermath of results Elly's ringing up in tears after she's met Gaskarth <3...>
anyway before long we'd managed to blag our way onto the train and we're on the way to Newcastle... we're writing all over our hands and taking pictures of Emma's mickey toy then we get there and gangster roll around the academy looking for El which was completely pointless cos we couldn't find her and ended up having to phone her and slink around the bus
i think the worst part of the day... worse than the hour and a half of maths sitting doing frictional forces wishing i was in Newcastle... was the FUCKING FAN GIRLS i wanna just let you know how much i hate fan girls i hate fangirls more than anything in the world... like honestly. I'm just like... bitch do you not even have any shred of self respect? do my fucking nut in i don't even understand how people like that have enough brain cells to live...
my scale of representation... i hate...
people who love themselves but really suck
bands/artists who rely on autotune
chavs
people who get a kick out of putting kittens etc into microwaves
FUCKING FAN GIRLS
yeah so there might have been some fan girls there... don't worry i got revenge... in my head xD
we were just chilling for the majority of the day... taking pictures... play fighting/looking like lesbians... wandering off to the the toilet in the gate and almost having some kind of breakdown remembering BLG, being a ninja with pringles, being shouted at for litering when it was the fan girls -_-, tidying up the fan girls shit...
then we headed round to queue and were allowed to queue with the very lovely and beautiful Lauren and Kirsty... then of course it started throwing it down -_-got soaked... very squished xD
here's a funny story for you... there's some girls that come to every gig we're at -_- they are some of the most annoying people in the world... but seeing them makes me feel better... cos i know that i am not very pretty and i know i shouldn't really talk... but whenever i see these girls i feel so much better about myself, they look like they have fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down... i know i'm not attractive but at least i'm not them xD
we had incidents with beth needing the toilet... stale farts... friends turning up and being petrified by said ugly fan girls then made even more awkward by Beth's brutal but lovable honesty....
anyway after far far too long we got in... we weren't too far back but it got pretty mental... we were just chilling in the crowd jamming to the tooones and trying to get photos then we got through young guns xD they were pretty awesome even if i didnt know half the words then Natalie took off the toilet after a kiss from Gustav... then before Yellowcard Emma spotted someone she knew then her and Beth left and i got introduced to him... i said i'd stay with elly until about half way through yellowcard when i realised i couldnt breathe and almost passed out... so im trekking out of the crowd thinking i hope they don't open a pit cos i'm right where it would be... then the stupid american goes 'I WANNA SEE A HUGE CIRCLE PIT RIGHT THERE' so im all o_O shit... and have to sprint to the back... where i text the others and find them chilling at the sound booth... got some merch... a drink... remembered how to breathe xD then we're just stood there with Evan and Jeff sound and light respectively <3>
then weightless came on and we held our signs up... so i'm filming and got my sign over Beth's head... then all of a sudden Gaskarth looks up and laughs... then waves at us o_O so i turned to beth and we both start screaming xD we're all freaking out then just turn round and carry on freaking out to the song <3>
so then we catch up with elly and are heading out then randomly young guns wander past i actually did a double take it was mental hahah so Gus gets attacked by fan girls and he's trying to get away just saying like guys i need to get out i don't feel well i need air and all these girls are still raping him so i go over and i just say well done mate that was a really great show... then all the fangirlies start copying... FUCKING FANGIRLS
got out re found el n then we're just waiting for the band get cold and bored and annoyed grab some chips then head off to find Emma's dad and get home xD

that feeling when you know that all you've ever dreamed of... all that's ever kept you going through all the rough times, that knowledge that someday you're going to be able to get away from everything.... is slipping right through your fingers because you can't do maths anymore :S




if i completely fail maths this year... i won't be able to get into a veterinary medicine course at university... and knowing that i am going to fail is slowly killing me.

looking forward to getting into uni and qualifying and then heading off to Africa or Australia or anyway but here is all that's kept me focused through all the fights with my parents through all the shit that I've just put up with because i knew one day i could get away.

I've been told that being a vet is hard and it's only for the best of the best, but i always ignored that cos in my head, i knew i could do it. and now I've lost all that self belief and confidence and i now know that i can't and i absolutely hate it.

i don't know what to do anymore.

:'(

So here's the deal...
i haven't been myself lately... i haven't been myself in one hell of a long time. i don't know what's wrong with me. i just don't know who i am right now. i guess im floating around in some kind of limbo, trying to figure out who i'm supposed to be and it's just that little bit out of reach. and in a way it's kind of heartbreaking. cos i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing, or saying or even being. it's difficult to know how to act, where to go, who to turn to, who to trust. i try my best to keep a smile on my face when im with people, when im with my friends. but when it's just me it's all i can do not to just break down. i spend the majority of my time at home crying or arguing or angry. it's no way to live. i am so scared cos this isnt me, this isnt who i was. but i guess it's just a part of who i'm becoming. i hope i find it soon because i hate being lost all the time.
... if you think you can help me find myself.... im taking applications from now on

Finding Me

I don’t think I’ve ever felt
That it’s ok to just be me
Looking for someone to prove
This is who I’m meant to be

chorus
I wont let myself feel
Don’t make this you or me
I know how it feels to crash and burn
But now I want to know
What it’s like to be free

You’re not the right person
Wish my heart could hear my head
You’ll never feel for me
My hopes fly like lead

chorus

Love is a big word
And I find it hard to say
I’m not the easiest person to care for
I’ll push you away

The feeling scares me
So I’ll run and hide
Its something you’d have to deal with
If you ever wanted to stand at my side

I can’t help who I’ve become
It’s just who I’m forced to be
Maybe in me finding you
I’ll find that missing part of me

chorus