Growing Up Won't Bring Us Down

so i started college tuesday :S its hard... so fucking hard. its tiring. no actually scratch that its draining. it's mentally physically and emotionally draining. i just feel like shit right now and i havent even got that much work. part of me knows like deep inside somewhere that its because its new. im not used to it. i need to get settled in. but a bigger part of me is thinking fuck how am i going to make it through these next to years.
i miss school. im gunna go ahead and say it. i, Charlotte Roe, miss sunnydale community college. i miss the routine. i miss the structure. i miss knowing where i stand, where i am, what i'm supposed to be doing. i miss walking into a room and knowing almost everyone in there. i miss walking into a class and knowing i'll be able to do anything the teacher throws at me. i miss spending almost all day with my girls. i miss having like every lesson with natalie and knowing i have someone to talk to. i miss the teachers. i miss having teachers that care. teachers that know you so well they know exactly how to get right on your tits and so do it at every opportunity. i miss teachers that know you so well they know you better than you know yourself. i miss teachers that you can laugh with. i miss teachers you can get and share gossip with. i miss teachers that are so lazy its unreal but will get up and walk across to the opposite block just to let you know they just got an email saying that tickets for your favourite band are going on sale.
please dont get me wrong. college is good. i met lots of new people. im learning new things already. its gunna be awesome i can see that. i just dont feel like it now. i need to get settled in. i need routine. im not a boring person who wants everything to be the same every day. im just the kind of person who needs to know where she is. i hate being confused i hate not knowing where i stand. i hate being out of the loop. i hate not knowing what to do, whats going on.
im also scared as fuck right now. im scared im gunna lose my friends cos we're barely gunna spend any time together. im scared im not gunna be good enough to do what i want to do. im scared im not gunna make it through. im scared of what my relationship with my family is gunna be once its over cos its already in tatters after the meagre stress levels of GCSE's. im petrified.
but tonight proved that it can be good. we had a seriously girly night in. i mean serious. like the ones you see in american tweeny chick flicks. yeah spot on. we had failed school work, diving on each other, texting boys, trying to understand said boy, just down right hilarity, music, pizza, rom com and even the ben and jerry's made an appearence. it was awesome. it was just what i needed tonight after this week. i was in one of those moods where i just had to laugh to keep from crying. but tonight made it better. i love my girls so much... natalie, el, beth and good old el ginge. well done. i love you. tonight proved for me that no matter how scary something is, no matter how much things are changing, no matter how fast things are moving, some things just dont change. and sometimes... its just as important as A levels, to keep things that way xD

'my friends are a different breed my friends are everything'

'so call us freaks cos thats just the way we roll'

'but i believe in whatever you do and ill do anything to see it through'

'i know its not easy i know that its hard, follow the lights to the city'

'we'll scream loud at the top of our lungs and they'll just think its cos we're young and we'll feel so alive'

'our days are numbered we're not getting any younger but its nights like these that make you not really care

'maybe its not my week but its gunna be my year'

'this place will always be a part of me yeah you're all a part of me'

'it's never the same tomorrow and tomorrow's never clear but you know our time is here'

'we're in this together we'll make it somehow nothings going to stop us now

'growing up won't bring us down'

Games Disguised As Fairytales

im not sure about this song :S which is why im not advertising it, not telling people about it, not posting the link anywhere, not forcing people to check it out to satisfy my pathetic insecurities... so if you're reading it right now... wow... well done you xD and thanks for checking out my blog... you mean a lot to me so lemme know ok? cos i'd like to know...
right back to the song... i've been trying to damn song for months now and it never sounds how i want it to, the voice, the message is never what i wanna say :S so i keep trying cos it's a situation close to my heart and i wanted to get it off it... this is the closest i've ever gotten and i still dont like it so i'm gunna keep trying but like i said if you're reading this lemme know... here goes

i'm letting myself fall
into something i don't know
trusting a smile to catch me
in the hope something might grow

why do i let you do this?
terrified of what it means
talk and talk dont feel that way
are you playing games with me?

chorus
naivety at its best
i would follow where you lead
you saw fun i saw the one
lips that made me believe
carried away in the taste of your lies
ignoring the truth that hid in your eyes
tell me where's my fairytale ending
the story i dreamed to live
i'm caught in you no hope of escape
this fate wasn't yours to give

i wonder what you did
if it worked with her as well
classic story different twist
on your flirting carousel

and i'll be over you
till i see your face again
the pain it causes to know
we'll be even less than friends

chorus

i'm just a toy you're willing to break
don't mess with me don't tear my heart
come any closer and i'm gone
i can't resist your clever words
though i know your just as fake as
the lies you tell the pictures you paint
the fairytale that just wasn't true

it's ok it just doesnt say what i want :S

By My Side

so i wrote this song when i thought one of my closest friends was mad at me lol turns out she wasnt but i got a decent song out of it xD its basically about how shes always there for me to make me feel better and to get me through the shit in my life and how scared i was when i thought i was gunna lose her so yeah its a little bit soppy and completely irrelevant now but nvm she wanted to read it so here it is

for laura

eyes are drooping
to stop my tears
smile faltering
to hide my fears

chorus

i cant control my feelings

so much better when you're around

i dont know where else to turn

you keep my feet on the ground

teach me how to fly to soar

show me where to find my deeams

prove to me im worth that much

find the truths i won't believe

i know you're not to blame
who made me feel this way
im a trainwreck a bombsite
you just came on the right day

chorus

eyes shine to say you love me
a smile to say you care
i dont know how to act around you
what do i do when you're not there

chorus

i breakdown when you arent by my side
i dont know what to do without you
i dont work dont function as i planned
when the world dissolves what do i do

chorus