Sometimes the smallest things hurt/mean the most

ok so on Thursday we went to see All Time Low... ATL was my first gig... and since then i've seen BLG FTSK YMAS and WTK (my top 5 bands with ATL) twice... so i was so pumped that it was all coming round in a circle xD it was also the last time i wore my gig converse so they can now rot in piece

so that morning we got our first AS results... well we did Elly was already there and while we're dealing with the aftermath of results Elly's ringing up in tears after she's met Gaskarth <3...>
anyway before long we'd managed to blag our way onto the train and we're on the way to Newcastle... we're writing all over our hands and taking pictures of Emma's mickey toy then we get there and gangster roll around the academy looking for El which was completely pointless cos we couldn't find her and ended up having to phone her and slink around the bus
i think the worst part of the day... worse than the hour and a half of maths sitting doing frictional forces wishing i was in Newcastle... was the FUCKING FAN GIRLS i wanna just let you know how much i hate fan girls i hate fangirls more than anything in the world... like honestly. I'm just like... bitch do you not even have any shred of self respect? do my fucking nut in i don't even understand how people like that have enough brain cells to live...
my scale of representation... i hate...
people who love themselves but really suck
bands/artists who rely on autotune
chavs
people who get a kick out of putting kittens etc into microwaves
FUCKING FAN GIRLS
yeah so there might have been some fan girls there... don't worry i got revenge... in my head xD
we were just chilling for the majority of the day... taking pictures... play fighting/looking like lesbians... wandering off to the the toilet in the gate and almost having some kind of breakdown remembering BLG, being a ninja with pringles, being shouted at for litering when it was the fan girls -_-, tidying up the fan girls shit...
then we headed round to queue and were allowed to queue with the very lovely and beautiful Lauren and Kirsty... then of course it started throwing it down -_-got soaked... very squished xD
here's a funny story for you... there's some girls that come to every gig we're at -_- they are some of the most annoying people in the world... but seeing them makes me feel better... cos i know that i am not very pretty and i know i shouldn't really talk... but whenever i see these girls i feel so much better about myself, they look like they have fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down... i know i'm not attractive but at least i'm not them xD
we had incidents with beth needing the toilet... stale farts... friends turning up and being petrified by said ugly fan girls then made even more awkward by Beth's brutal but lovable honesty....
anyway after far far too long we got in... we weren't too far back but it got pretty mental... we were just chilling in the crowd jamming to the tooones and trying to get photos then we got through young guns xD they were pretty awesome even if i didnt know half the words then Natalie took off the toilet after a kiss from Gustav... then before Yellowcard Emma spotted someone she knew then her and Beth left and i got introduced to him... i said i'd stay with elly until about half way through yellowcard when i realised i couldnt breathe and almost passed out... so im trekking out of the crowd thinking i hope they don't open a pit cos i'm right where it would be... then the stupid american goes 'I WANNA SEE A HUGE CIRCLE PIT RIGHT THERE' so im all o_O shit... and have to sprint to the back... where i text the others and find them chilling at the sound booth... got some merch... a drink... remembered how to breathe xD then we're just stood there with Evan and Jeff sound and light respectively <3>
then weightless came on and we held our signs up... so i'm filming and got my sign over Beth's head... then all of a sudden Gaskarth looks up and laughs... then waves at us o_O so i turned to beth and we both start screaming xD we're all freaking out then just turn round and carry on freaking out to the song <3>
so then we catch up with elly and are heading out then randomly young guns wander past i actually did a double take it was mental hahah so Gus gets attacked by fan girls and he's trying to get away just saying like guys i need to get out i don't feel well i need air and all these girls are still raping him so i go over and i just say well done mate that was a really great show... then all the fangirlies start copying... FUCKING FANGIRLS
got out re found el n then we're just waiting for the band get cold and bored and annoyed grab some chips then head off to find Emma's dad and get home xD

that feeling when you know that all you've ever dreamed of... all that's ever kept you going through all the rough times, that knowledge that someday you're going to be able to get away from everything.... is slipping right through your fingers because you can't do maths anymore :S




if i completely fail maths this year... i won't be able to get into a veterinary medicine course at university... and knowing that i am going to fail is slowly killing me.

looking forward to getting into uni and qualifying and then heading off to Africa or Australia or anyway but here is all that's kept me focused through all the fights with my parents through all the shit that I've just put up with because i knew one day i could get away.

I've been told that being a vet is hard and it's only for the best of the best, but i always ignored that cos in my head, i knew i could do it. and now I've lost all that self belief and confidence and i now know that i can't and i absolutely hate it.

i don't know what to do anymore.

:'(

So here's the deal...
i haven't been myself lately... i haven't been myself in one hell of a long time. i don't know what's wrong with me. i just don't know who i am right now. i guess im floating around in some kind of limbo, trying to figure out who i'm supposed to be and it's just that little bit out of reach. and in a way it's kind of heartbreaking. cos i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing, or saying or even being. it's difficult to know how to act, where to go, who to turn to, who to trust. i try my best to keep a smile on my face when im with people, when im with my friends. but when it's just me it's all i can do not to just break down. i spend the majority of my time at home crying or arguing or angry. it's no way to live. i am so scared cos this isnt me, this isnt who i was. but i guess it's just a part of who i'm becoming. i hope i find it soon because i hate being lost all the time.
... if you think you can help me find myself.... im taking applications from now on

Finding Me

I don’t think I’ve ever felt
That it’s ok to just be me
Looking for someone to prove
This is who I’m meant to be

chorus
I wont let myself feel
Don’t make this you or me
I know how it feels to crash and burn
But now I want to know
What it’s like to be free

You’re not the right person
Wish my heart could hear my head
You’ll never feel for me
My hopes fly like lead

chorus

Love is a big word
And I find it hard to say
I’m not the easiest person to care for
I’ll push you away

The feeling scares me
So I’ll run and hide
Its something you’d have to deal with
If you ever wanted to stand at my side

I can’t help who I’ve become
It’s just who I’m forced to be
Maybe in me finding you
I’ll find that missing part of me

chorus

New Years Eve 2010

Well it's that time of the year again XD NEW YEARS EVE which means you get a super awesome blog from me about the last year in my perspective.
I think it’s a load of shit blogging about the year at the end of it tbh... cos half of it gets forgotten because for me it’s the little things that make my year but little things get forgotten easily :S and that's not cool :( but anyway here goes
It’s been one hell of a year, a roller coaster, incredible highs, insane lows. There’s some memories I will never forget, some amazing times that have completely made my year. But I’ve definitely done some other things I regret. There have been times I wish I could go back and change, make better, stop myself from fucking up as much as I did.
I can tell you one thing I don’t regret though spending it with some of the best friends any girl could possibly wish for. My girls Natalie, Laura, Beth, Elly and Emma and of course my boys Chris and Elliott. You guys are incredible I love you all too much to put into words you are incredible don’t ever change.
I'm gonna do chronological list of the gigs we've been to this year XD cos they seem to make up most of my memories lolol

1- BLG in Manchester XD 18/02 --> I can't even begin to explain how much this meant to me. Seriously. It doesn’t even translate into words. Boys Like Girls are my favourite band and to have been able to go all the way down to Manchester to see them with some of my favourite people in the world was just incredible. I think it is always going to be my favourite gig. I can’t believe just how amazing it was, it was so intense and incredible and just wow. And of course, how could I ever mention this gig without talking about Emma and The Auteur? Hahah incredible. I don’t think I’ll ever listen to Dance Hall Drug in the same way again. As if she passed out XD as if me and Natalie had to drag her out XD as if we had a conversation with the support band as we dragged her XD like I said my favourite gig so far. Maybe I didn’t get to meet them, maybe I missed getting on stage with them. But tbh at that point Emma’s safety was much more important to me and I really don’t care because it was incredible anyway. In so many different ways, definitely a memory I will never forget.

2- YMAS/FTSK/WTK in Newcastle 13/03 --> Ok then second gig of the year, You Me At Six supported by Forever the Sickest Kids and We the Kings. Awesome. Hahah weird. But awesome. What do I remember from this? Getting lost in Newcastle with Beth after we went to Starbucks? Definitely a highlight XD then once we were inside ‘do you like who’s on first Charlotte?’ ‘ I don’t know who’s on’ *points to stage where a huge FTSK banner is currently hanging* ‘oh’ XD losing it in FTSK and getting completely separated from the rest only to refind Elly pressed up against the barrier in between FTSK and WTK xD dancing my way out of the crowd with Elly to gotta feeling xD Meeting Jonathan Cook after the show and giving him some extremely squished kinder eggs xD almost breaking YMAS’s bus when I got excited and jumped on Beth. Natalie meeting Joshua and getting that adorable picture. The two of them are definitely my favourite couple. Sometime, twin. I promise. Good gig. Good Gig.

3- MML in Middleborough 06/06 --> M.M.L what to say about mml. I don’t even know. Well apart from it was wet very wet and cold and we stood there for god knows how long. Not funny but it was a good show. I mean there was that creepy ginger guy who creeped the fuck out of me and Beth he was like something from the matrix with those glasses and then inching forward whenever we weren’t looking. I was definitely freaked out :S and then there was Ant from Futures playing guitar on Beth’s nose which was fucking hilarious with that big rip in his crotch. And then there was the Blackout. And Elly. I feel so sorry for them guys XD I still vividly remember Elly’s had slowly creeping up Sean Smith leg. And I also vividly remember her hollering at poor old Gav from across the stage. Oh dear it was wet, cold and dragged on and on for ages but it was hilarious.

4- Mayday Parade and the Maine in Newcastle 03/10 --> this was funny. it was the first outing of the gig brolly XD who has that now? I don’t even know it’ll resurface XD it always does. This was the first time I have ever been star struck. John O’Callaghan. Walking straight towards us, some random guy holding his brolly, Johnoh in sunglasses, heading straight at us. I think we all just stood there like :O. I kinda waved. Awkwardly. And he nodded his head but it was crazy, superstar moment right there Johnoh. Then we got to meet the rest of them XD myself and Beth got lost again XD Beth got to meet Mayday Parade, Derek and we forgot to ask him to play if you wanted a song. We had an awesome little encounter with a guy named Vito, who turned out to be The Maine’s merch guy, and not Jake as we had thought, but hey it makes a good story and the pictures make me giggle. Still, Beth even gave him a cookie XD the show was immense. It is probably gonna be one of my favourite memories with Beth xD singing Into your arms insanely out of tune xD screaming along to the bridge of whoever she is xD getting smacked on the back repeatedly when Jersey came on xD and then of course we went out and got to chill with them all again xD

5- Bowling for Soup/FTSK 19/10 in Newcastle --> Our second FTSK gig xD this was such an incredible time, carting all our presents up to Newcastle getting to meet every single member of FTSK, group hug with Austin, just Caleb, Jonathan signing my arm, Chris form Dollyrots going and fetching Kyle, Kyle coming out and ignoring the fan girls, Marc carting our skittles around with him, watching Kent trying to fit all the hubba bubba into one pocket xD then of course the show xD Jonathan wearing the bracelet I gave him xD having Charlotte on the phone for almost the entire performance xD then of course Jonathan using my phone to record the crowd. Epic. #That is all.

6- Twenty Twenty in Newcastle 29/10 --> not much I can say about this. Erm. Meeting some cool friends XD hovering outside James Bourne’s bus, watching Elly wet herself whenever the doors opened. James merch guy person dancing to TT asking us to phone a cab. Dancing to metro station in the breaks. Having my arms around Elly and Natalie for an entire song at one point XD Elly disappearing onto the bus to meet James Bourne. The free shit from Nick XD James Bourne wandering around talking about Elly’s sharpies for about half an hour XD

7- KIGH and BLG in Newcastle 21/11 --> Amazing. Awesome. Awkward. I can’t even count how many inside jokes came from this gig. I.. I don’t even know if I can write about it without crying. My eyes are definitely welling up now thinking about it. The cake. That is all I’m gonna say. Beef relief. Poolie in his mc hammer pants. Meeting Bryan, ‘even Jamel’ XD beef and Jamel sneaky bastard martin Johnson XD lolol Natalie falling over every time she was around Beef. The show. Constant eye contact with Poolie XD not even joking XD Hahah PLAY GO XD I love you guys you’re both amazing. What time is it? 25 to! Getting out chilling with Beef talking about the snow XD chatting to Poolie about his shirt. That feeling when my heart stopped when martin came out. How hard I laughed when he then fell over. ‘Taking’ him and Jamel to the cinema #awkward. I don’t know which part of that filled my heart with more joy, him writing down the lyrics that have inspired me for so long, signing it and giving me a genuine smile or him ordering salted popcorn then demanding a change when he got sweet instead xD meeting my idol is an experience i can't explain. it was fantastic. amazing definitely a night I will never forget xD

8- YMAS in Doncaster 10/12 --> driving all the way to Doncaster for youmeatsix. So epic so worth it. Emma losing her ticket :S being in an actual sports hall XD somehow managing to worm our way quite close even though we were right at the back. Canterbury were awesome. Set your goals were the biggest load of shit I have ever seen in my life. -_-  unimpressed face. The Blackout were incredible XD I whip my hair back n forth. So good XD shame we had to get out of the crowd for YMAS but they were still beyond amazing sounded insanely good. Elly in the circle pit... skipping. Another vivid memory of Elly making a fool of herself. Dan whacking out the bongos for the acoustic set. Made my life. Then falling asleep on the way home, I never sleep in the car lolol Elly's face when she woke up. Lolol

Right, well that’s gigs done. What else?

It’s been one hell of a year educationally too. Finished our GCSE’s with style. Everyone else is cramming revision in, we’re laughing at Beth falling over on stage or coming up with one of the best story lines I’ve ever written while crying with laughter in the back of the hall during an assembly. And then of course collecting our results wandering into the hall cool as fuck, shitting ourselves inside XD we did good everyone and I am so proud of the lot of you. Leaving was hard, that’s for definite. I can’t believe some of the teachers, places, times we had to leave behind. But I think we definitely left our mark. I don’t think we’ll be forgotten to easily. Hahah

And then there’s college :S I don’t really know what to say. There’s awesome parts. The work is more interesting for definite. The independence is amazing and I’ve made some awesome new friends, so incredible new people. But it’s so hard, it’s draining and the work is impossible sometimes :( I can’t believe it. But I guess no pain no gain :S I’ll just be glad to get out of it and to uni... if I get in that is.

All the times we spent out, at J5, shopping, the cinema. The potato war with the chavs with Jack Barakat as our leader. Beth singing and dancing through the street XD all those times in Dover’s when we were ‘revising’ messing around in his room. Snow days xD bus rides xD

And then of course there was our Prom XD I thought it was going to be a little bit o_O but actually it was awesome. We looked pretty damn cool and we partied pretty damn hard. I still managed to look horrendous on every single picture. And of course it was awesome, until Emma managed to drag myself and head boy Josh up to dance :S nasty girl. It was epic, everyone looked beautiful/handsome, except of course the stupid chavs.

I got to make some of the best friends ever on twitter, my #FTSKFAM, Charlotte, Sarah, Rachel, Becca and Rachel. They are all such amazing girls, always there for me, like all my girls. I wish we could meet, I could know you guys in real life. Can’t wait for the nest FTSK tour XD can’t wait for our London Plan.

I’ve probably forgotten some things, some important things. But like I said, some of the best things that happened are the ones that are the most easily forgotten :S

Well there was the last year. Time to look forward to 2011. It’s going to be hard, I’m not going to deny that. But it’s going to be good. It has to be. There’s so much to do, so much to look forward to. I can’t wait.
My New Year resolution? I just want to be happy, I want to stop having to paint on a smile. I really wanna be able to love who I am and pick up my confidence if just a little bit. Sure, I have some wishes and hopes for the next year. I want to do well in my exams, I want to be able to see all the bands I want to. I wish I could get fitter, lose some weight. I want to take more photos, remember more. But in the end, the most important part of this year will just be for me to be happy with myself, with who I am, with everything.

i wish you all the best of luck in 2011 I love you all just for reading this xD

HAPPY NEW YEAR

This One's For You

hey guys

i wrote this to put a part of my life behind me xD and it did and i'm glad for that... but in the future ive gotta remember to keep my eyes open and stop from stumbling straight into a similar situation... maybe next time ;)

Do you know how much I hate you?
I can barely stand to see your face
Do you know how much I thank you?
For making me into who I am today

Chorus
Don’t try to get into my head
I don’t think you’d like what you see
I’m not her and now I’m glad
Never been happier to lose
You never knew just who I was
And now I realise why
I wasn’t me until I lost you
Couldn’t find myself with you
And for the first time I can say
So here’s to you
This one’s for you


Couldn’t bring myself to cry
Guess I got that from you
Showing pain is weakness
About time I learnt that too

Chorus

Bleed me dry and hurt me deep
Push me down for someone else
Tie me up and string me along
Hang me to dry and cut me off
It’s never meant to be
And I can let you go
Just want you gone
So I say fuck you
I say I hate you
And just so you know
This one’s for you

chorus

FOREVER THE SICKEST KIDS

hey guys!
sooooooooo it's been a while but i need to blog purely cos Tuesday 19th October might have just been the best day of my life.
i went to see Forever the sickest kids supporting Bowling For Soup and it was overly amazing. i skipped the last half our of critical thinking at college and had to leg it up to the train station. just outside the train station i got a phone call from elly, yelling at me to run cos the train was there. so basically i had to literally sprint into the station. got on the train alright anyway then elly failed to tighten my bra straps for me so natalie had to sort them lolol. then we arrived in Newcastle and headed up to the academy. we were just chilling by the bus, got shifted by ftsk's tour manager and then we're just waiting to see if they were going to come out so we could give them our presents. natalie turned round and said "i bet Jonathan's going to walk round that corner in a minute." About five minutes later, round the corner wanders Jonathan Cook. xD it was epic. The buses were on so he struggled to hear us and even when he did he had to go i think he might have had sounc check anyway. so we were still just chilling and then out wanders Austin, so we shouted him over and gave him his presents had a bit of an argument about whether he should open it. he did anyway then he was so chuffed with the crunchies he bought him xD we had this big massive group hug and it was pretty epic. once he had to go, Caleb came out and he came over shouting I NEED FOOD SOMEONE TAKE ME TO MCDONALDS. it was pretty funny, these kids that were stood near us took off with him to mcdonalds and he went running across the road in slo mo yelling 'no WATCH OUT' he was sooooo funny. anyway, so while he was gone Marc came out and we chilled for a bit gave him his presents took some pictures. then he went on the bus and we he got back off he was carrying some of the skittles we gave him it was soooooo coool xD then caleb got back and got attacked by all these fan girls -_- i hate fan girls. but once he shook them of he came running over to us bless him and kinda jumped over yelling I GOT FOOD turns out they'd been to subway instead xD we gave him our presents and he was chuffed with the socks lol turns out he does like toystory xD and he was already nomming his way through the 3.10 of gummy bears we bought him bless him we got pictures and i look overly surprised on my picture cos he was actually holding my hand. lol and he decided to kiss his hand and then wipe it over my cheek which was odd but cute bless him. then while he was taking pictures with someone else elly realised that we'd let the price on the socks... so i kinda tried to sneak over and rip it off but i kinda lunged at him, ended up headbutting his knee and ended up on the floor myself. once he'd gone i stood up n i was like 'shit i better not go round telling people i got my knees all dirty kneeling in front of caleb turman' i thought it was funny xD so he hung for a little bit but left to eat... that boy was always hungry xD so once hed gone back to the bus we were just hanging and out comes Kent and Jonathan xD we gave kent his presents and he was trying to shove all this hubba bubba into his pocket xD it was quite funny then we gave Jonathan his kinder eggs and he was going all german and weird about that but it was funny xD then i gave him the bracelet i bought him and he put it straight on and said it was beautiul xD i was chuffed but told him he didnt have to wear it cos it was a bit girly lol then he wrote love everyone on my arm which meant a hell of a lot even though he probably didnt realise. sso after they had to go all we were waiting or was kyle and he would be the most awkward one cos his was the only present we couldnt actually take in... damn appletiser xD so we got talking to the drummer from dollyrots even though we didnt know who he was back then. but he offered to go and see if he could get him out. my brother turned up and next thing we know Kyles running up looking for his appletiser. hahah bless him so we gave him that and then the rest of the bag which had stuff for them all in. i was trying to explain the presents but he just kinda grabbed hold o me and gave me a hug. i ended up just all snuggled in his chest and he was stroking my hair and just going... 'shhhhh shhhh stop talking... i love you.' he was soooo cute i was just like i love you too xD he really is adorable. i love him tp pieces. when he had to leave we went to queue and we were like pretty far back :S but when we got inside we ended up not far from the front weirdly enough. so we were just chilling all over again watching dollyrots who were pretty cool. but then FTSK came on. i went mental. like seriously screaming KOBMD at them... then natalie was like charlotte he's wearing your bracelet and i was even worse. i went crazy until hiphop chick then i rang my friend Charlotte from twitter so i kinda calmed down cos i didnt want to be screaming down the phone at her. then ater she hung up... this is where it gets good... sorry charlotte... xD jonathan was wandering around talking about how he wished he had a camera so he could record the crowd... then just before they were about to start the last song Jonathan just sort of randomly pointed at me and asked if i was recording. i couldn;t believe it it was so sureal i was just thinking wtf how on earth did he randomly just pick me there :S so i kinda just nodded really blankly anyway. and he asked if he could use it to record the crowd so i had to somehow get through the crowd and hand it to him... i dont know how i did it cos i must havebeen about seven people back but i did anyway and he recorded it and somehow got me it back and then i was able to watch she's a lady from barrier xD it was pretty epic xD
then we'd always said we would come out of the crowd after them and watch the rest from the merch stand. so elly kinda had to pull me out i think :s i was just o_O as soon as i'd got out of the crowd i was tweeting the video to them alll xD i was shaking so bad lolol n i bought some merch then we were just hanging so we decided to go outside... turns out it was a good idea cos we bumped into mr Turman again xD i rang charlotte again and they were talking then caleb decided that it would be a good idea to slober all over my phone as he pretended to kiss her through my phone... seriously there was like a tonne of caleb saliva all over my phone -_- it was disgusting we rang emma too and caleb was hilarious putting on a fake british accent and he was sooooo hilarious xD kyle came back out toooo and he was having a discussion with some random about his drums that was actually really interesting xD but the fan girls were doing my head in.. then when the conversation was over natalie was getting him to sign her shoe and i was telling him about how im glad he's better after his appendicitis and then the fan girls started -_- oooh im glad you're better too what was wrong again... i so wanted to tell them to shut the fuck up -_- he showed us his scar and they asked him to take a picture i was just like wtf? what are you talking about? it was mental idiots. i hate fan girls so much. you can tell they do to. they were quite happy talking to us. but you could see how awkward they were around the stupid fan girls. Kyle especially looked really uncomfortable there was one point when we was getting on the bus and looking between us and the bus and back again it was quite funny xD and everytime they open the door caleb and ziggy were sat by the door waving and grinning at us completely ignoring the fan girls i dont even think they knew that they were there...
so yeah ive probably forgot something amazing that happened cos it was just tooo much but yeah that was pretty epic xD i had muchly fun the boys are sooooo amazing they are such lovely guys really amazing and the performance was just out of this world they were sooo goood xD