Growing Up Won't Bring Us Down

so i started college tuesday :S its hard... so fucking hard. its tiring. no actually scratch that its draining. it's mentally physically and emotionally draining. i just feel like shit right now and i havent even got that much work. part of me knows like deep inside somewhere that its because its new. im not used to it. i need to get settled in. but a bigger part of me is thinking fuck how am i going to make it through these next to years.
i miss school. im gunna go ahead and say it. i, Charlotte Roe, miss sunnydale community college. i miss the routine. i miss the structure. i miss knowing where i stand, where i am, what i'm supposed to be doing. i miss walking into a room and knowing almost everyone in there. i miss walking into a class and knowing i'll be able to do anything the teacher throws at me. i miss spending almost all day with my girls. i miss having like every lesson with natalie and knowing i have someone to talk to. i miss the teachers. i miss having teachers that care. teachers that know you so well they know exactly how to get right on your tits and so do it at every opportunity. i miss teachers that know you so well they know you better than you know yourself. i miss teachers that you can laugh with. i miss teachers you can get and share gossip with. i miss teachers that are so lazy its unreal but will get up and walk across to the opposite block just to let you know they just got an email saying that tickets for your favourite band are going on sale.
please dont get me wrong. college is good. i met lots of new people. im learning new things already. its gunna be awesome i can see that. i just dont feel like it now. i need to get settled in. i need routine. im not a boring person who wants everything to be the same every day. im just the kind of person who needs to know where she is. i hate being confused i hate not knowing where i stand. i hate being out of the loop. i hate not knowing what to do, whats going on.
im also scared as fuck right now. im scared im gunna lose my friends cos we're barely gunna spend any time together. im scared im not gunna be good enough to do what i want to do. im scared im not gunna make it through. im scared of what my relationship with my family is gunna be once its over cos its already in tatters after the meagre stress levels of GCSE's. im petrified.
but tonight proved that it can be good. we had a seriously girly night in. i mean serious. like the ones you see in american tweeny chick flicks. yeah spot on. we had failed school work, diving on each other, texting boys, trying to understand said boy, just down right hilarity, music, pizza, rom com and even the ben and jerry's made an appearence. it was awesome. it was just what i needed tonight after this week. i was in one of those moods where i just had to laugh to keep from crying. but tonight made it better. i love my girls so much... natalie, el, beth and good old el ginge. well done. i love you. tonight proved for me that no matter how scary something is, no matter how much things are changing, no matter how fast things are moving, some things just dont change. and sometimes... its just as important as A levels, to keep things that way xD

'my friends are a different breed my friends are everything'

'so call us freaks cos thats just the way we roll'

'but i believe in whatever you do and ill do anything to see it through'

'i know its not easy i know that its hard, follow the lights to the city'

'we'll scream loud at the top of our lungs and they'll just think its cos we're young and we'll feel so alive'

'our days are numbered we're not getting any younger but its nights like these that make you not really care

'maybe its not my week but its gunna be my year'

'this place will always be a part of me yeah you're all a part of me'

'it's never the same tomorrow and tomorrow's never clear but you know our time is here'

'we're in this together we'll make it somehow nothings going to stop us now

'growing up won't bring us down'

Games Disguised As Fairytales

im not sure about this song :S which is why im not advertising it, not telling people about it, not posting the link anywhere, not forcing people to check it out to satisfy my pathetic insecurities... so if you're reading it right now... wow... well done you xD and thanks for checking out my blog... you mean a lot to me so lemme know ok? cos i'd like to know...
right back to the song... i've been trying to damn song for months now and it never sounds how i want it to, the voice, the message is never what i wanna say :S so i keep trying cos it's a situation close to my heart and i wanted to get it off it... this is the closest i've ever gotten and i still dont like it so i'm gunna keep trying but like i said if you're reading this lemme know... here goes

i'm letting myself fall
into something i don't know
trusting a smile to catch me
in the hope something might grow

why do i let you do this?
terrified of what it means
talk and talk dont feel that way
are you playing games with me?

chorus
naivety at its best
i would follow where you lead
you saw fun i saw the one
lips that made me believe
carried away in the taste of your lies
ignoring the truth that hid in your eyes
tell me where's my fairytale ending
the story i dreamed to live
i'm caught in you no hope of escape
this fate wasn't yours to give

i wonder what you did
if it worked with her as well
classic story different twist
on your flirting carousel

and i'll be over you
till i see your face again
the pain it causes to know
we'll be even less than friends

chorus

i'm just a toy you're willing to break
don't mess with me don't tear my heart
come any closer and i'm gone
i can't resist your clever words
though i know your just as fake as
the lies you tell the pictures you paint
the fairytale that just wasn't true

it's ok it just doesnt say what i want :S

By My Side

so i wrote this song when i thought one of my closest friends was mad at me lol turns out she wasnt but i got a decent song out of it xD its basically about how shes always there for me to make me feel better and to get me through the shit in my life and how scared i was when i thought i was gunna lose her so yeah its a little bit soppy and completely irrelevant now but nvm she wanted to read it so here it is

for laura

eyes are drooping
to stop my tears
smile faltering
to hide my fears

chorus

i cant control my feelings

so much better when you're around

i dont know where else to turn

you keep my feet on the ground

teach me how to fly to soar

show me where to find my deeams

prove to me im worth that much

find the truths i won't believe

i know you're not to blame
who made me feel this way
im a trainwreck a bombsite
you just came on the right day

chorus

eyes shine to say you love me
a smile to say you care
i dont know how to act around you
what do i do when you're not there

chorus

i breakdown when you arent by my side
i dont know what to do without you
i dont work dont function as i planned
when the world dissolves what do i do

chorus

Summer Rain

I muchly hate this songg but i made the mistake of mentioning it on twitter and i was made to post it by laura :S i dont like it at all and i think it needs a lot of work but here it is anyway

I'm wide awake and bored
caffeine high with nothing to do
Mind is numb body still
try to stop toughts slipping to you

hot long nights
early hours
deep dark sky
borrowed time

summer rain
washing my sense clean
midnight storm
murdering my dream
beautiful night
hiding my pain
and when i wake
drowning in the rain

come and watch the sunrise
let me spend on night in your arms
lets pretend we're perfect
forget forgive that we dont work

bright night stars
far away
your love gone
with sun light

summer rain
washing my sense clean
midnight storm
murdering my dream
beautiful night
hiding my pain
and when i wake
drowing in the rain

the worst part of hello is good bye
the best part of falling is staring at the sky

summer rain
washing my senses clean
midnight storm
murdering my dream
beautiful night
hiding my pain
and when i wake
drowning in the rain


i hope you're happy laura -_-

Tattoo's

I'm gunna blog my tattoo ideas... so y'all know but more so i don't forget hahahah I'm gunna start at my feet n work my way up
first one on my left foot... its just a pattern kinda thing inspired by music the amazing wonderful talented Miss Laura Betts designed this for me XD isn't it amazing? i might make a few alterations though :S hope she doesn't mind too much its almost perfect just a few tweaks... yeah but that's going down the outside of my left foot
and on the other side
It means rock n roll in Chinese Ive wanted this since i was about 12 lol so its my longest thing lol... the only thing I've wanted for longer n actually stuck with is wanting to be a vet lol but yeah i think this might be my first XD
going from my first to my last... I'm hopefully gunna get thirteen tattoos in total and this is going to be my last one... a nice black 13 on the big toe of my right foot... 13's been my lucky number for a while now i picked it cos i thought it was ironic you know unlucky for some etc blah blah blah but it only dawned on my a while ago the date when i met a Mr Jonathan cook from forever the sickest kids who just so happens to be my idol and a massive influence on my life... yup the thirteenth of march so who knows maybe it is lucky last tattoo on my feet...i want it on the outside of my right ankle... coffee break is an amazing song by Forever the Sickest Kids... its about growing up and being scared of change its about having a bad relationship with your parents it means a lot to me personally cos i love FTSK and secondly cos i really feel that i can relate to the lyrics... i have a terrible relationship with my parents and as much as i try to shake it off it really really kills me that i don't have them to go to whenever i need to that i don't feel close to them at all that we argue all the time... coffee break makes me realise that I'm not the only one and things will get better for one of two reasons... either I'll grow up n we'll finally patch things up or I'll grow up and I'll move away and it wont be a problem anymore

this is kind of a conditional tattoo... i want this just above my knee if i get married but if i don't (very likely) i think i might get it anyway but get it in white ink so it looks like a scar cos i thought it'd be fitting XD and so i can still get up to 13

This is my scorpion... he's gorgeous XD ok so it might not be this one but i definitely want a scorpion that's gunna wrap around my waist... and i want it to be kinda tribalish almost... not life like... i dunno why but i have a big thing about the zodiac signs n it just felt fitting to get a scorpion... its gunna be the biggest tattoo i think XD

Rain Falls Down is a song by We The Kings... i think the lyrics are amazing... i don't know if I'm right but the way i interpret the song is that bad things happen but you always have someone to help you through it... the rain is going to fall but its gunna fall on the both of us i think its saying that the bad times are almost worth while when you've got someone special by your side... it means a lot to me cos times are rough right now with my parents and while i dint have a
*special someone* i have my girls that's all i need so i decided to get this tattoo... i want it written on my ribs under my boobs XD

'enough is enough you can stop waiting to breathe' lyrics from Go by Boys Like Girls... i adore boys like girls i think their music and their lyrics are amazing this song and that particular line really gets me it just it really makes me think about like that this is my life and i shouldn't be waiting for someone else's say so i can do what i want and i can get out of whatever rut I'm in and just, you know, go... its something that I've liked the idea of ever since i heard the song but the only problem was placement... i was thinking of just getting breathe tattooed into my ear but Laura and i decided if i did that you kinda loose the meaning so i got stuck again... i considered the small of my back but decided that that was a bit chavvy... eventually i settled on the middle of my back like underneath my bra strap... martin Johnson of BLG and Zack Merrick of ATL both have lyrics there so i thought why not xD this is one of the only ones I'm nervous about cos when that needle hits my spin its gunna hurt like i don't know what but nvm xD

ok so this is a cool idea mon amie elly had... we have all these plans to go on holiday together when we're older... growing up it was always our intention to go to Australia together for a bit and recently we've decided that we're gunna go on a road trip around America in a tractor... ok so maybe not a tractor but we thought it would be an awesome thing to do maybe a long time in the future when we both have decent steady jobs but yeah its gunna be so much fun there's a lot of places we wanna check out and a lo of places we've always wanted to go and at the end we're gunna get a tattoo... probably not these footprints but something like it to kinda signify our friendship and how far we've come as well as how we've managed to survive a road trip all the way around the USA lol

anyone who's a decent all time low fan should recognise these lyrics if not fuck you... lol sorry they're from weightless n I'm not afraid to say its one of the first atl songs i listened to... except from Beth shoving poppin n dear maria down our ears about a year before hand... but its always been my favourite i can be feeling as shit as it's possibly imaginable n then listen to this song n it just makes me think you know what that's right so what if this has gone totally to pot... there's always tomorrow where i can make damn sure that this is going to be my year and i am going to be the best i can be... so yeah there's the reason i want it on my left wrist but there's issues about fitting it and job interviews and such like so it might have to be split and different lines written on the crooks of my elbow

love everyone is Jonathan Cook's company... it sounds stupid getting like a brand tattooed into my skin but as you've probably figured he kinda means a huge deal to me XD and he has this tattoo on his wrists which i cant actually do but i want it in like cursive writing on my right wrist cos i think the message behind his company is really really deep and i think he#s amazing and its a link to him

this is the tattoo I'm most excited about XD which is weird cos its gunna be the most painful hahaha if you're like a creepy Boys Like Girls fan like me you might recognise this... that's Martin Johnson's arm and that's the BLG hook they all have it and i want it... they got it done by traditional Samoan tattooing and that's how I'm going to get mine XD instead of a needle they kinda hammer the ink into your skin and its disgusting that I'm sooo excited to get it but i am and i cant wait XD really really really excited about that one

woooo pretty stars XD hahah this ones just an idea it isn't definite yet but i thought it might be cool... i wanted a tattoo on my shoulder blades and this idea popped into my head... I'm fairly intelligent and I'm expected a few A* in my results... so i want an actual star on my back for every * i get in my results... little stars for my GCSE's bigger stars if i get any in A levels and a big one for my degree XD

ok so if you hung in while i talked through that you may have noticed a couple of things...

A all my tattoos are in black and white there's a reason for that... i cant stand coloured tattoo's no offense to anyone who wants one or has one but i think they look tacky i have quite pale skin so i think the black will look good against that... i also hate sleeves... again no offense but manky green sleeves are revolting

B a lot of my tattoos revolve around music again purposeful XD my top f bands are BLF FTSK ATL YMAS and WTK... so i have atl lyrics wtk and ftsk songs the blg hook and the rose in the first pattern represents the rose on the hold me down album cover... all of my favourite bands represented on my body XD

all of my tattoos have incredibly important messages for me, things that i want to remember, things that i want immortalised on my skin... its stuff for me i really don't care if you don't get it or don't like it or you think its stupid because they are very personal things to me i cant fucking wait to be 18 to start getting these done xD its gunna be so awesome

Closure

We went up to school even though we've been officially off for like over a month now but we wanted to go up for the end of term assembly so this is like it the end finished closure... but I'm gunna say that its more the finish of our education there i know we'll be back at least twice definitely for our results :S and for our presentation evening and i doubt we'll keep ourselves away full stop after that
so we went up anyway went to chill up in Mr Dovers room for the last time XD he's such an epic guy mr dover... uncle D... Mally hahah even though hes not gunna see it big thanks to him for letting us wreck his room every lunch time can y'all imagine all the things that wouldn't have happened if we hadn't gone up there? we had some good times it's gunna be so weird that even if we do go up to see him again we're not gunna be able to sit up there again, I'll have to find a new table n Natalie wont be able to sit on his chair like that cos it wont be the same room :( it shows how used to it we are that we all moved automatically to leave when the bell rang... thinking we were off to lessons again i realised froze n thought out loud guys what are we doing... it was also quite funny that for just a second everyone looked at me like i was mental before they realised as well hahah we made uncle d laugh I'm sure we have plenty of times i wanna say i hope he misses us lol but that sounds mean... so i hope we left a lasting impression... and knowing my freaks I'm sure we did
we even helped set up the hall... yup kids see how nice we are even though we'd left we still lent a hand helped set things up for everyone else... i nearly died when Bryne mentioned us i thought we were gunna have to get up... n then the ripple effect as everyone turned one by one to look at us LOL
i thought it was nice Hackett came to sit with us though it was probably more to do with hiding at the back than sitting with us... either way he gave me and Laura a laugh through the assembly i think he's awesome XD talking about not turning up to the first day back cos hes at a gig... amazing n Mrs Hackett too shes awesome she said me and Laura looked coool hahah which made me n Laura just look at each other n kinda go this is what we wear all the time :S i suppose she is used to us in school uniform so ill let her off XD I'll definitely be going back to see those two hopefully after i get my tattoo's so i can show them... i kinda hope they might be proud it's weird but im so different from my parents i can't show them off to them so the Hacketts will have to do... not that i think of them as parent substitutes at all... no way in hell... they're awesome lol not denying that but that would just be toooooo weird hahahha
Raven was such a freak... where the hell did he get a yellow spiderman costume from? lolol only he would do that hahah gotta love him as well though great guy... great teacher they all are i love the way that even though we're not students anymore we're still just kinda friends in a way i prefer this to actually being there even though they were still as chilled when we were students i like being there cos we wanna be there instead of cos its school... we want to go we want to talk to them and the cool thing is that they wanna talk to us too
I'm gunna miss Miss Bennett... hopefully we can pass messages through the other teachers fingers crossed we don't lose touch cos shes such a lovely person XD textiles wouldn't have been the same without her :S its weird to think shes not gunna be there any more... that we wont be able to just toddle up if we fancy a chat n a hot chocolate xD
I've probably forgotten someone n if i have I'm very sorry i still love you too i just cant think of you right now lol
so yeah... no more sunnydale... after years of complaining about it being such a shit hole... ok well yes its still a shit hole... its just a shit hole we're all gunna miss :(

Hold Me Back

Just a stupis song i wrote the other day when i was pissed at my parents... its not brilliant and definitely not one of my best but nvm enojoy XD

You push me down
again and again
keep feet on the ground
to stop your pain
you dont seem to care
its my life to live
you're crushing my dreams
and you're blaming me

chorus
you cant hold me back
cos im going to shine
the darkest star in the sky
just wait for my time
im gonna fly this nest
and im not coming back
dont wait up for me
when life's turning black

i can't live like this
when its all bout you
im better than this
Im better than you
im more than you know
more than you could be
i suggest you lemme go
so that i can fly free

chorus

i dunno what you want
how to keep you pleased
i cant be more than who i am
even if you keep me on my knees
i have so much potential
you waont let me use
im fighting your rile
what do i have to lose

chorus

you're the reason im here
and my reason to leave
the only way to escape
the only thing i believe
im hapy im going
i wont say goodbye
but you can watch me go
watch my fly through the sky