Nothing i do ever goes to plan... ever. And you'd think as i get older i'd get used to it. But i never do. the scenarios that never happen still formulate in my stupid head and the disappointment and the self loathing never seems to hurt any less. I actually am such an idiot.

Dyslexia...

so basically back in september when we started college, my biology teacher told me she thought i might be dyslexic. It scared me quite a lot and was a bit of a shock to the system. I didn’t understand how i could be, i’d gone through two thirds of the schooling sytem and no one had said anything. At one point i was like in the top 5% of the clevest kids in the country, how the fuck could i be dyslexic? But the more i thought about it, the more i watched what i was doing when i was writing. And it turns out i show most of the dyslexia signals in my writing and the way i learn. So i accepted the fact that i might be. well i say accepted, a better term might be dealt with. i don’t think i’ve ever dealt with it properly. i joke about it all the time and make fun of myself for it. i laugh at it so it doesn’t scare me as much. I haven’t taken the test yet. And here’s the truth. i don’t want to take the test because i don’t want another label. I’m not scared of being dyslexic. i’m scared of being stuck with it. i’ve gone through my life being labelled differently, all the time, wherever i go. And i’ve tried my best to fight my hardest to be myself and to ignore what people thought of me and what words they labelled me with. I don’t want to take a test that’s going to give me another label that’s going to stick to me for the rest of my life. i don’t want to get any special treatment. i don’t want people to think differently of me because i’m dyslexic. I’ve lived 17 years of life and i’ve managed to cope with it completely fine. i don’t need it bothering me now. And i had accepted that. then my mum gets back on my case. ‘why don’t you take the test?’ ‘i’m sick of you using it as an excuse’ ‘think about it, if you are, there might be a higher likelyhood cambridge will accept you’… thing is, i don’t want to take the test as i’ve already explained. i don’t use it as an excuse, i use it as a joke. i don’t want cambridge to accept me because i’m dyslexic. i want them to accept me because i work hard and get the grades… it’s stupid and pathetic and irrational but this is how i’m feeling about it right now. if you are reading this and are dyslexic, then i hope you don’t feel any offense from what i have written. this is very personal to me. I know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being dyslexic and it’s not something that people can help. i know it’s something that can be managed and many successful people have dyslexia and are role models for many. I’ve said it sounds like i’m being pathetic and insanely irrational but this is personal, it’s my feelings about the situation i am in. please please don’t think it applies to anyone other than me

Sometimes the smallest things hurt/mean the most

ok so on Thursday we went to see All Time Low... ATL was my first gig... and since then i've seen BLG FTSK YMAS and WTK (my top 5 bands with ATL) twice... so i was so pumped that it was all coming round in a circle xD it was also the last time i wore my gig converse so they can now rot in piece

so that morning we got our first AS results... well we did Elly was already there and while we're dealing with the aftermath of results Elly's ringing up in tears after she's met Gaskarth <3...>
anyway before long we'd managed to blag our way onto the train and we're on the way to Newcastle... we're writing all over our hands and taking pictures of Emma's mickey toy then we get there and gangster roll around the academy looking for El which was completely pointless cos we couldn't find her and ended up having to phone her and slink around the bus
i think the worst part of the day... worse than the hour and a half of maths sitting doing frictional forces wishing i was in Newcastle... was the FUCKING FAN GIRLS i wanna just let you know how much i hate fan girls i hate fangirls more than anything in the world... like honestly. I'm just like... bitch do you not even have any shred of self respect? do my fucking nut in i don't even understand how people like that have enough brain cells to live...
my scale of representation... i hate...
people who love themselves but really suck
bands/artists who rely on autotune
chavs
people who get a kick out of putting kittens etc into microwaves
FUCKING FAN GIRLS
yeah so there might have been some fan girls there... don't worry i got revenge... in my head xD
we were just chilling for the majority of the day... taking pictures... play fighting/looking like lesbians... wandering off to the the toilet in the gate and almost having some kind of breakdown remembering BLG, being a ninja with pringles, being shouted at for litering when it was the fan girls -_-, tidying up the fan girls shit...
then we headed round to queue and were allowed to queue with the very lovely and beautiful Lauren and Kirsty... then of course it started throwing it down -_-got soaked... very squished xD
here's a funny story for you... there's some girls that come to every gig we're at -_- they are some of the most annoying people in the world... but seeing them makes me feel better... cos i know that i am not very pretty and i know i shouldn't really talk... but whenever i see these girls i feel so much better about myself, they look like they have fallen out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down... i know i'm not attractive but at least i'm not them xD
we had incidents with beth needing the toilet... stale farts... friends turning up and being petrified by said ugly fan girls then made even more awkward by Beth's brutal but lovable honesty....
anyway after far far too long we got in... we weren't too far back but it got pretty mental... we were just chilling in the crowd jamming to the tooones and trying to get photos then we got through young guns xD they were pretty awesome even if i didnt know half the words then Natalie took off the toilet after a kiss from Gustav... then before Yellowcard Emma spotted someone she knew then her and Beth left and i got introduced to him... i said i'd stay with elly until about half way through yellowcard when i realised i couldnt breathe and almost passed out... so im trekking out of the crowd thinking i hope they don't open a pit cos i'm right where it would be... then the stupid american goes 'I WANNA SEE A HUGE CIRCLE PIT RIGHT THERE' so im all o_O shit... and have to sprint to the back... where i text the others and find them chilling at the sound booth... got some merch... a drink... remembered how to breathe xD then we're just stood there with Evan and Jeff sound and light respectively <3>
then weightless came on and we held our signs up... so i'm filming and got my sign over Beth's head... then all of a sudden Gaskarth looks up and laughs... then waves at us o_O so i turned to beth and we both start screaming xD we're all freaking out then just turn round and carry on freaking out to the song <3>
so then we catch up with elly and are heading out then randomly young guns wander past i actually did a double take it was mental hahah so Gus gets attacked by fan girls and he's trying to get away just saying like guys i need to get out i don't feel well i need air and all these girls are still raping him so i go over and i just say well done mate that was a really great show... then all the fangirlies start copying... FUCKING FANGIRLS
got out re found el n then we're just waiting for the band get cold and bored and annoyed grab some chips then head off to find Emma's dad and get home xD

that feeling when you know that all you've ever dreamed of... all that's ever kept you going through all the rough times, that knowledge that someday you're going to be able to get away from everything.... is slipping right through your fingers because you can't do maths anymore :S




if i completely fail maths this year... i won't be able to get into a veterinary medicine course at university... and knowing that i am going to fail is slowly killing me.

looking forward to getting into uni and qualifying and then heading off to Africa or Australia or anyway but here is all that's kept me focused through all the fights with my parents through all the shit that I've just put up with because i knew one day i could get away.

I've been told that being a vet is hard and it's only for the best of the best, but i always ignored that cos in my head, i knew i could do it. and now I've lost all that self belief and confidence and i now know that i can't and i absolutely hate it.

i don't know what to do anymore.

:'(

So here's the deal...
i haven't been myself lately... i haven't been myself in one hell of a long time. i don't know what's wrong with me. i just don't know who i am right now. i guess im floating around in some kind of limbo, trying to figure out who i'm supposed to be and it's just that little bit out of reach. and in a way it's kind of heartbreaking. cos i don't know what i'm supposed to be doing, or saying or even being. it's difficult to know how to act, where to go, who to turn to, who to trust. i try my best to keep a smile on my face when im with people, when im with my friends. but when it's just me it's all i can do not to just break down. i spend the majority of my time at home crying or arguing or angry. it's no way to live. i am so scared cos this isnt me, this isnt who i was. but i guess it's just a part of who i'm becoming. i hope i find it soon because i hate being lost all the time.
... if you think you can help me find myself.... im taking applications from now on

Finding Me

I don’t think I’ve ever felt
That it’s ok to just be me
Looking for someone to prove
This is who I’m meant to be

chorus
I wont let myself feel
Don’t make this you or me
I know how it feels to crash and burn
But now I want to know
What it’s like to be free

You’re not the right person
Wish my heart could hear my head
You’ll never feel for me
My hopes fly like lead

chorus

Love is a big word
And I find it hard to say
I’m not the easiest person to care for
I’ll push you away

The feeling scares me
So I’ll run and hide
Its something you’d have to deal with
If you ever wanted to stand at my side

I can’t help who I’ve become
It’s just who I’m forced to be
Maybe in me finding you
I’ll find that missing part of me

chorus

New Years Eve 2010

Well it's that time of the year again XD NEW YEARS EVE which means you get a super awesome blog from me about the last year in my perspective.
I think it’s a load of shit blogging about the year at the end of it tbh... cos half of it gets forgotten because for me it’s the little things that make my year but little things get forgotten easily :S and that's not cool :( but anyway here goes
It’s been one hell of a year, a roller coaster, incredible highs, insane lows. There’s some memories I will never forget, some amazing times that have completely made my year. But I’ve definitely done some other things I regret. There have been times I wish I could go back and change, make better, stop myself from fucking up as much as I did.
I can tell you one thing I don’t regret though spending it with some of the best friends any girl could possibly wish for. My girls Natalie, Laura, Beth, Elly and Emma and of course my boys Chris and Elliott. You guys are incredible I love you all too much to put into words you are incredible don’t ever change.
I'm gonna do chronological list of the gigs we've been to this year XD cos they seem to make up most of my memories lolol

1- BLG in Manchester XD 18/02 --> I can't even begin to explain how much this meant to me. Seriously. It doesn’t even translate into words. Boys Like Girls are my favourite band and to have been able to go all the way down to Manchester to see them with some of my favourite people in the world was just incredible. I think it is always going to be my favourite gig. I can’t believe just how amazing it was, it was so intense and incredible and just wow. And of course, how could I ever mention this gig without talking about Emma and The Auteur? Hahah incredible. I don’t think I’ll ever listen to Dance Hall Drug in the same way again. As if she passed out XD as if me and Natalie had to drag her out XD as if we had a conversation with the support band as we dragged her XD like I said my favourite gig so far. Maybe I didn’t get to meet them, maybe I missed getting on stage with them. But tbh at that point Emma’s safety was much more important to me and I really don’t care because it was incredible anyway. In so many different ways, definitely a memory I will never forget.

2- YMAS/FTSK/WTK in Newcastle 13/03 --> Ok then second gig of the year, You Me At Six supported by Forever the Sickest Kids and We the Kings. Awesome. Hahah weird. But awesome. What do I remember from this? Getting lost in Newcastle with Beth after we went to Starbucks? Definitely a highlight XD then once we were inside ‘do you like who’s on first Charlotte?’ ‘ I don’t know who’s on’ *points to stage where a huge FTSK banner is currently hanging* ‘oh’ XD losing it in FTSK and getting completely separated from the rest only to refind Elly pressed up against the barrier in between FTSK and WTK xD dancing my way out of the crowd with Elly to gotta feeling xD Meeting Jonathan Cook after the show and giving him some extremely squished kinder eggs xD almost breaking YMAS’s bus when I got excited and jumped on Beth. Natalie meeting Joshua and getting that adorable picture. The two of them are definitely my favourite couple. Sometime, twin. I promise. Good gig. Good Gig.

3- MML in Middleborough 06/06 --> M.M.L what to say about mml. I don’t even know. Well apart from it was wet very wet and cold and we stood there for god knows how long. Not funny but it was a good show. I mean there was that creepy ginger guy who creeped the fuck out of me and Beth he was like something from the matrix with those glasses and then inching forward whenever we weren’t looking. I was definitely freaked out :S and then there was Ant from Futures playing guitar on Beth’s nose which was fucking hilarious with that big rip in his crotch. And then there was the Blackout. And Elly. I feel so sorry for them guys XD I still vividly remember Elly’s had slowly creeping up Sean Smith leg. And I also vividly remember her hollering at poor old Gav from across the stage. Oh dear it was wet, cold and dragged on and on for ages but it was hilarious.

4- Mayday Parade and the Maine in Newcastle 03/10 --> this was funny. it was the first outing of the gig brolly XD who has that now? I don’t even know it’ll resurface XD it always does. This was the first time I have ever been star struck. John O’Callaghan. Walking straight towards us, some random guy holding his brolly, Johnoh in sunglasses, heading straight at us. I think we all just stood there like :O. I kinda waved. Awkwardly. And he nodded his head but it was crazy, superstar moment right there Johnoh. Then we got to meet the rest of them XD myself and Beth got lost again XD Beth got to meet Mayday Parade, Derek and we forgot to ask him to play if you wanted a song. We had an awesome little encounter with a guy named Vito, who turned out to be The Maine’s merch guy, and not Jake as we had thought, but hey it makes a good story and the pictures make me giggle. Still, Beth even gave him a cookie XD the show was immense. It is probably gonna be one of my favourite memories with Beth xD singing Into your arms insanely out of tune xD screaming along to the bridge of whoever she is xD getting smacked on the back repeatedly when Jersey came on xD and then of course we went out and got to chill with them all again xD

5- Bowling for Soup/FTSK 19/10 in Newcastle --> Our second FTSK gig xD this was such an incredible time, carting all our presents up to Newcastle getting to meet every single member of FTSK, group hug with Austin, just Caleb, Jonathan signing my arm, Chris form Dollyrots going and fetching Kyle, Kyle coming out and ignoring the fan girls, Marc carting our skittles around with him, watching Kent trying to fit all the hubba bubba into one pocket xD then of course the show xD Jonathan wearing the bracelet I gave him xD having Charlotte on the phone for almost the entire performance xD then of course Jonathan using my phone to record the crowd. Epic. #That is all.

6- Twenty Twenty in Newcastle 29/10 --> not much I can say about this. Erm. Meeting some cool friends XD hovering outside James Bourne’s bus, watching Elly wet herself whenever the doors opened. James merch guy person dancing to TT asking us to phone a cab. Dancing to metro station in the breaks. Having my arms around Elly and Natalie for an entire song at one point XD Elly disappearing onto the bus to meet James Bourne. The free shit from Nick XD James Bourne wandering around talking about Elly’s sharpies for about half an hour XD

7- KIGH and BLG in Newcastle 21/11 --> Amazing. Awesome. Awkward. I can’t even count how many inside jokes came from this gig. I.. I don’t even know if I can write about it without crying. My eyes are definitely welling up now thinking about it. The cake. That is all I’m gonna say. Beef relief. Poolie in his mc hammer pants. Meeting Bryan, ‘even Jamel’ XD beef and Jamel sneaky bastard martin Johnson XD lolol Natalie falling over every time she was around Beef. The show. Constant eye contact with Poolie XD not even joking XD Hahah PLAY GO XD I love you guys you’re both amazing. What time is it? 25 to! Getting out chilling with Beef talking about the snow XD chatting to Poolie about his shirt. That feeling when my heart stopped when martin came out. How hard I laughed when he then fell over. ‘Taking’ him and Jamel to the cinema #awkward. I don’t know which part of that filled my heart with more joy, him writing down the lyrics that have inspired me for so long, signing it and giving me a genuine smile or him ordering salted popcorn then demanding a change when he got sweet instead xD meeting my idol is an experience i can't explain. it was fantastic. amazing definitely a night I will never forget xD

8- YMAS in Doncaster 10/12 --> driving all the way to Doncaster for youmeatsix. So epic so worth it. Emma losing her ticket :S being in an actual sports hall XD somehow managing to worm our way quite close even though we were right at the back. Canterbury were awesome. Set your goals were the biggest load of shit I have ever seen in my life. -_-  unimpressed face. The Blackout were incredible XD I whip my hair back n forth. So good XD shame we had to get out of the crowd for YMAS but they were still beyond amazing sounded insanely good. Elly in the circle pit... skipping. Another vivid memory of Elly making a fool of herself. Dan whacking out the bongos for the acoustic set. Made my life. Then falling asleep on the way home, I never sleep in the car lolol Elly's face when she woke up. Lolol

Right, well that’s gigs done. What else?

It’s been one hell of a year educationally too. Finished our GCSE’s with style. Everyone else is cramming revision in, we’re laughing at Beth falling over on stage or coming up with one of the best story lines I’ve ever written while crying with laughter in the back of the hall during an assembly. And then of course collecting our results wandering into the hall cool as fuck, shitting ourselves inside XD we did good everyone and I am so proud of the lot of you. Leaving was hard, that’s for definite. I can’t believe some of the teachers, places, times we had to leave behind. But I think we definitely left our mark. I don’t think we’ll be forgotten to easily. Hahah

And then there’s college :S I don’t really know what to say. There’s awesome parts. The work is more interesting for definite. The independence is amazing and I’ve made some awesome new friends, so incredible new people. But it’s so hard, it’s draining and the work is impossible sometimes :( I can’t believe it. But I guess no pain no gain :S I’ll just be glad to get out of it and to uni... if I get in that is.

All the times we spent out, at J5, shopping, the cinema. The potato war with the chavs with Jack Barakat as our leader. Beth singing and dancing through the street XD all those times in Dover’s when we were ‘revising’ messing around in his room. Snow days xD bus rides xD

And then of course there was our Prom XD I thought it was going to be a little bit o_O but actually it was awesome. We looked pretty damn cool and we partied pretty damn hard. I still managed to look horrendous on every single picture. And of course it was awesome, until Emma managed to drag myself and head boy Josh up to dance :S nasty girl. It was epic, everyone looked beautiful/handsome, except of course the stupid chavs.

I got to make some of the best friends ever on twitter, my #FTSKFAM, Charlotte, Sarah, Rachel, Becca and Rachel. They are all such amazing girls, always there for me, like all my girls. I wish we could meet, I could know you guys in real life. Can’t wait for the nest FTSK tour XD can’t wait for our London Plan.

I’ve probably forgotten some things, some important things. But like I said, some of the best things that happened are the ones that are the most easily forgotten :S

Well there was the last year. Time to look forward to 2011. It’s going to be hard, I’m not going to deny that. But it’s going to be good. It has to be. There’s so much to do, so much to look forward to. I can’t wait.
My New Year resolution? I just want to be happy, I want to stop having to paint on a smile. I really wanna be able to love who I am and pick up my confidence if just a little bit. Sure, I have some wishes and hopes for the next year. I want to do well in my exams, I want to be able to see all the bands I want to. I wish I could get fitter, lose some weight. I want to take more photos, remember more. But in the end, the most important part of this year will just be for me to be happy with myself, with who I am, with everything.

i wish you all the best of luck in 2011 I love you all just for reading this xD

HAPPY NEW YEAR